"She wasn't bitter. She was sad, though. But it was a hopeful kind of sad. The kind of sad that just takes time." - Stephen Chbosky
If you're reading this, you probably already saw my Facebook post about the one year anniversary of losing Tony. If you missed it, well, now you know. I remember my friend Jasmine calling me about it, the enormity of the news not fully sinking in until days later. A text to him continued to go unanswered, unread and forgotten. Through losing Tony, I lost a part of me. I might be the same on the outside- bubbly and happy. Quick to laugh and joke around but inside I have a new sense of somberness. What right do I have to laugh when Tony no longer can? It weights on my mind every day the fact that I waited too long to talk to him one last time. How many others in my life have I simply waited too long to talk to? To check in on? Before, I felt no urgency to engage friends.
"If they don't want to talk to me, I don't want to talk to them," my stubbornness said.
"Why should I always make the effort?"
"When will it be my turn to be pursued in friendships?"
In some weird part of my mind I rationalized falling away from certain people. They deserved it. How many times have I been told, or told others, "if they don't try, they're not worth the effort. God will bring those into your life who desire to be there." What a load of crap. Why do we continue to tell ourselves lies, only to make our lives seem somehow more full, significant, or to ease a few ruffled nerves? Since when did God promise to provide easy friendships? Since when did God look at me and say, "You know, she doesn't care about me. She hasn't talked to me in two weeks. Why should I even bother." Praise the Lord he doesn't give up. Praise the Lord he loves me with an unrelenting, overwhelming and all consuming love. No matter how many "texts" I don't return, "meetings" I miss and stubborn things I've done, he is ALWAYS patiently waiting for me.
I admit, I'm still a little mad at God. Why would you take someone who was so dear to my heart? I'm mad about losing my dog too- strange as that may sound. Didn't God know that I was going through a hard time? Didn't he know that I needed something to hold onto? There are no easy answers. No quick fixes. But I choose to cling to the truth that God is always, and will forever be faithful. No, life doesn't make sense and life isn't fair, but God never promised me an easy life. "In this world you WILL have trouble, but take heart! For I have OVERCOME the world." It doesn't say give up at the first sign of trouble. It doesn't say don't be mad about your situation. It simply says, yes. You will go through hard things, but you won't be defeated by them. Defeat only proves that your faith was merely something you sang with your mouth, but never knew with your heart. I refuse to be defeated. Each day is a climb. Each memory another wave of sadness. But I think it's made me more determined than ever to fully live. I don't want to look in my phone months later and realize that those I once counted as dear friends, those I care about, I've let fall through the cracks. I want everyone around me to know that they hold a special place in my heart. Though time goes by quickly, and I'm not always the best friend I can be, I don't want to wake up one morning and find that one more text sits unanswered, unread and forgotten.
God doesn't let you fall asleep each night without showing and telling you in some way that he loves you. The sunset and sunrise in the morning are more than enough of a testament to his love than we deserve and yet he brings people into our lives who speak love and encouragement every day. While I may not appreciate it now, its consistency continues to break down my walls of anger. Like that quote says, I'm not bitter, but I am sad. A sadness that I know will eventually change to a dull ache and not an ever-present pain, a sadness that embraces the promises of God and is changed by them. Until then, I put one foot in front of the other. I laugh for those who no longer can, I remember, I cherish, and most importantly, I turn my sadness into love for others. God doesn't stop pursuing, neither will I.
Until next time,
Jackie
