"I don't know a perfect person. I only know flawed people who are still worth loving."
-John Green
Friendship. Noun: the state of being friends : the relationship between friends. A friendly feeling or attitude : kindness or help given to someone.
It's funny how something so essential to life- friendships- is also one of the hardest things to do. Being friends with sinful people is hard. It takes work. It takes tears. It takes forgiveness. But it also includes lots of laughter, memories, and growing experiences that make all the hard times worth it.
A few weeks back, one of the girls in my small group told my co-leader and I that she was having a rough time with her friends leaving her out and just felt like no one wanted to invest in her. It broke my heart because that's been me too many times I care to admit. I tried to assure her that friendships are hard, and it does get better, but in my head I was saying "it only gets worse."
Friendships seem to get more complicated the older you get. It's no longer a, "we both love purple popsicles so we're best friends" and life is grand until said purple-popsicle loving BFF steals your best red crayon so this friendship is over forever, sort of deal. It's living life on a deeper level. It's deep conversations and this girl knows all my fears, weaknesses, and life struggles. She celebrates with me in the good times and cries in the bad. She eats ice cream with me on the couch because it's been a horrible week and all that I need is someone to be there. But, these deeper friendships are complicated by deeper issues than stealing your red crayon. Fights over guys who could actually be your future husband, betraying your trust and sharing some of your deepest struggles to people you never wanted to know, shoving you aside for the next "bestie," and other situations happen. They're deeper hurts to get over than when you were younger.
On the other hand, friendships as you get older tend to be much more rewarding. You rely on friends more because chances are you're out on your own and your family isn't around to support you in the this-person-is-literally-here-for-me-every-single-day sort of way. They hold you accountable and hold you to a higher standard. They encourage you and speak truth into you like never before.
But being a teenage girl is hard. (Sorry boys- I can't really speak to your struggles with friendships, though I imagine a lot are the same or at least similar.) I for some reason have always had the same sort of struggles with friends. I'm a golden retriever in the, "I'm loyal to a fault" sense. When it comes to friends, I'll stand by your side no matter what, even if it means sacrificing something for your happiness. I can tend to let myself get walked on by my friends because I refuse to throw in the towel when it needs to be thrown in. I don't like giving up on friendships because things get hard. My head and my heart want nothing more than to repair situations and to continue with life as is. Not being able to say goodbye to my friend Tony before he was gone has ingrained in me that if I care about someone, I need to let them know, and I need to be a consistent friend.
Needless to say, God has taught me a few valuable lessons in my short 23 years about friendships. Here are a few.
1. Some friendships are for a reason, and a season.
It's okay to admit when it's time to move on. It's hard. It might suck. But treasure the good times you had with your friends and realize that God has something else planned for you. People are unique and God uses them to speak into your life in unique ways. Be thankful for the time you had and don't hold onto bitterness because it ended. Some seasons are longer than others. Some never end. But for broken relationships, let God redeem each and every friendship, smile at the memories and look with hope for future friendships.
2. It's okay to not be everyone's best friend.
I've had to accept that I'm not everyone's cup of tea. It's okay to have friends in different areas of your life. You need people who understand your work, who you can be totally real with, those are good for laughing with, and those who are good for crying with. Some friendships will never be deep or where you think they "should" be, and that's okay. God designed different people for different reasons and he brings them into your life, again, for a reason and a season. Just like no two snowflakes are the same, no two friendships will be the same.
3. Friends will never act exactly how you want them to act.
We are all selfish, sinful people who want what we want. We tend to look toward our own interests instead of to the interests of others. Realizing this up front will help us cut people a little slack, and also will give us (and them) the freedom to be who God made us to be, and not how we assume everyone should be. When people wrong me, it's best to realize that only God can change hearts and convict actions that you don't agree with. You have to realize that you can only control how you act in situations, and not how other behave or react.
4. Hold loosely to friendships.
I don't mean don't treasure those people who God has placed in your life, but understand that friendships are fleeting and everyone is human. This ties back into the first lesson. Circumstances change and people change and realizing when it's a good time to say goodbye is always hard, but a necessary practice. Another aspect to this is realizing that you cannot change people and you cannot determine the course of a friendship. Friendships are two-way streets so let them develop and grow into what they will be, instead of holding so tightly onto your idea of what the friendship should look like that you eventually sabotage the relationship.
5. Invest. Even when it's hard.
It's okay that sometimes friendships are lopsided. If it's time to say goodbye, that's good, but sometimes God calls you to be faithful and invest even when it's hard and it's not reciprocated. On the same vein, hold short accounts. Friends are imperfect people trying to do life together. It will be messy, but it's not worth keeping track of every little thing someone does that hurts you or bugs you. It's not worth it and it will only hurt the friendship to hold onto the little things.
Ask yourself this: is this friendship worth my time and investment, despite the fact they have hurt me?
6. Friendship only works if it's accompanied by open and honest communication.
You can't know what someone is thinking or feeling unless you ask honest, sometimes blunt, questions. It's hard to care sometimes, but it's necessary to ensure that the friendship doesn't become muddled and unclear. Honest communication is required by all in order to hold short accounts and forgive when needed. Choose to believe (but not naively) the best in people. Believe (until you have ample reason to believe otherwise) that the things you're upset about are not direct attacks on you, and go into conflicts with a willing and open heart to hear from the other person. It's necessary to be honest, but it's also necessary to be encouraging to friends. It's totally okay to admit you need them and their support in your life. Tell your friends that you are thankful for them. Honest communication works for both the bad, and the good.
This is not an exhaustive list, but it's a start. Friendships are hard, but they are worth it. God did not create us to do life alone- heck, even God lives in community. If friendships were only in your life to refine you and mold you into who you need to be, they would be 100% worth it- through the good and the bad.
Until next time,
Jackie
