Communication: It's Not Just a College Major

"We must all make the choice between what is right, and what is easy."

- Albus Dumbledore

Recently I've been thinking a lot about communication. Not in the college major, sense, but the, people will never be mind readers, way. While I think that's a universally known and accepted fact, it becomes ever more apparent the older I get, that we sometimes choose to believe that which we know is a lie. 

I want to believe that when I'm in a bad mood, my mom will just know know to not ask me a million questions. I choose to believe that my friends will simply figure it out that I'm peeved about one thing or another. In relationships, I don't want to guess where the other person is at, yet I expect them to figure me out without a word one way or the other. I don't want to talk about it, I want it to be known. We hide behind platitudes because it's simply too hard to say what it is you're really thinking and feeling.

I like to tell myself one thing: "It's just me." 

If someone makes me frustrated or offends me, it's my problem to deal with. We'd rather spend our time having happy relationships rather than healthy ones. I see this in relationships with my family, friends and dating relationships in my past. Yet, this is the very root of the problem in any type of relationship. 

Your friend is not a mind reader. Your mom and dad do not know your every emotion. Your significant other does not know what your expectations are unless they've been communicated.

Communication is key, in a world when we are more connected than ever and yet farther away from each other than in the past. We share funny articles, we laugh at cat videos, and we "know" all this stuff about each other, yet we fail to know each other. And the simple fact is, conflict arrises because we refuse to communicate. We don't say what we should say when it needs to be said, so suddenly we're angry and bitter and people don't know what happened. When conflict comes, we throw in the towel or simply pretend it's okay and we grow distant and irritated.

I'm a fairly opinionated person. I am an opinionated person. I like to tell it how it is (or rather, how I see it). I am not afraid of conflict, except when it comes to those I care about. I can argue for days on Facebook about if Ebola is a serious issue or whatever the latest "taboo" subject is, yet when people close to me offend me or leave me wounded, I refuse to say anything. Why? It comes back to my basic desire as a human to be a people pleaser and to not rock the boat. If I could go through life being a peacekeeper I would. But being an RA for two years, if nothing else, taught me that conflict 1) is actually a good thing, and 2) wounds left unattended to will fester (what an awful word) until the littlest thing will set you off. I don't know about you, but I hate tiptoeing around people wondering if at any second they'll blow. I don't want to walk through life policing every little thing I say, and in return I don't want anyone to ever worry about being able to speak truth to me in fear that I'll go off on them and leave them standing wondering what the heck just happened. 

Truth is hard. Conflict and confrontation is uncomfortable. I have failed SO many times in so many different ways when it comes to resolving issues. But the one constant in my life is that life is always more pleasant when I talk about the unpleasant things. When I choose to engage in the difficult conversations with those I care deeply about, often the sweetest moments come from those. I've had to confront and be confronted for mistakes people and myself have made in the past. My initial reaction when someone tells me "you're doing x, and it really hurts me," is to go "you're an idiot, I'm perfect." (I know. Humility is a strong suit...) But as I've grown older, I've started to value the truth being spoken in my life. I would rather get a gut punch than live my life wondering why no one likes me anymore, or people don't reach deeper into my life than Facebook statuses. Through discomfort, 9 times out of 10, if not 10 out of 10, you will grow, and your relationship with those around you will be strengthened. Confronting people about their issues will also reveal the issues in your own heart. I can't count how many times I've gone to say something to someone and in the middle of me saying all the things they're doing wrong, I realize how many mistakes I am also guilty of. 

This is not to say that I can just attack people and call it "confronting them." No, that's just a straight attack and it is not meant to build up anyone.  "Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ." (Ephesians 4:15) When we speak the truth in love we become more like Christ. Christ didn't come to sugarcoat it for the pharisees and religious leaders. If Jesus was on Facebook, he wouldn't be posting "Yo, just hit up the temple for a good chat with my bros." Jesus doesn't shy away from conflict. He straight up calls the pharisees a brood of vipers. I don't know about you, but that's harsh. He does this not because he wants to put them in their place, not because he wants to reveal to them how wicked and messed up they are, but that they have hope. He does so in love, desiring that they realize their sins and repent. In the same way, we must speak truth, go deep and engage with those in our lives, because in doing so, we are drawing them closer to Christ. 

I don't really know why this is now coming out- I'm sure I've posted before about how important communication is, but I guess it's just recently been put on my heart. If you genuinely love someone, you should care enough to engage with them on a level deeper than simple likes and dislikes. And when you engage with people on a deeper level, it will bring up issues and conflict. But the relationships that are the sweetest in my life, are the ones where I am constantly being challenged and challenging the other person to be better. "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." (Proverbs 27:14) It's time to make the right choice, and not the easy one, when it comes to communication and conflict.

Until next time,

Jackie