"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars.
You have to let go at some point in order to move forward."
-C.S. Lewis
The holidays are a time when we all reflect on the ways our lives have been blessed and remember what's important, now and for the new year ahead.
This year, as always, I'm thankful for family, friends, a job, and all your standard "things" people are thankful for. But, this year, I'm especially thankful for something else: difficult lessons.
This past year has been... difficult to say the least. From heartbreak in relationships, to the loss of friendships, and sadness of my family moving, this year has been one of learning and growing, sometimes in painful ways. I feel like God has been challenging me in so many ways and at some times I just feel tired and beat up. I got real with God not too long ago and I laid in bed and just mourned for all the things I felt would never happen to me.
Dream job. A boyfriend. Stable life.
I honestly felt God was laughing at me as he one by one had closed the door on those things over the past year. I know God doesn't enjoy seeing us in pain, but after all I had been through, I felt I could no longer roll with the punches.
Sports are one of my passions. I want to work for a sports team, but in the what felt like 50+ applications I've sent in? Not one interview. Talk about discouragement.
Every girl dreams of finding a guy. This past year I've found a whole lot of frogs, and no princes. Instead, I've been left hurt and confused by boys who tell me "I'm the kind of girl they could marry," or "I'm a girl worth waiting for," and then they quickly walk out of my life. Recently, I met a guy who was intentional, told me what he thought, wanted to take me on a date, was kind and considerate and everything I've wanted a guy to be. With one snag. He didn't believe the same thing I did. I had to tell him that we couldn't be what I hoped we could be. That the difference in his beliefs and my beliefs meant we couldn't date. But the one thought that went through my head? I will never find a Christian man who treats me like that.
I fully admit I'm a homebody. I love my weekly visits to my parents house to see them and ZuZu. The reality that they'll be 9 hours away in Atlanta after Christmas is hard to swallow. Life will look a lot different and I'm not sure I'm ready to face it sans my parents being close by.
As I laid in bed talking to God, I opened up my bible study that I hadn't touched in awhile. I went through the lesson on autopilot, doing it more out of a feeling of obligation than passion for the word. As the lesson came to a close, Beth Moore asked something to the effect of: have you ever felt God's timing and plans are not what you had planned for your life?
Check the box titled "uh heck yes."
Then she asked: How has this study taught you that you can trust his plans and timing?
I had to ponder for a few minutes, but after awhile I started understanding something pretty fundamental again about faith.
Faith isn't about knowing what's going to happen or that God is going to give you all you dream of or ask him for. Faith is about trusting that if you knew the whole picture like God does, you'd make the same choices for your life and choose the same path - riddled with heartache and doubt as it is. In all seasons, good and bad, God is teaching me to be thankful and to enjoy what my life looks like now. Not ten years from now, but now. I am here. Single. In Little Rock. For a reason. I can spend my days wishing them away, or I can spend them investing where I am.
It's not a new concept, and not something I haven't wrestled through before, but in light of the timing it hit me that I should be the most thankful in times like this because I know that God cares enough to teach me the things I need to learn to be a stronger person. He does not give us hardships we are not equipped to face without his help.
He sustains. He comforts. And he reassures me that I have dreams and desires for a purpose.
These hard times will make the "dreams" even more sweet and I will take less for granted than I did before, because I know what it's like on the other side.
If I fail to cherish the life I lead right now, I'll spend my days regretting the things I didn't do when I could. Someday I'll have a job that is exactly what I've dreamed about. Someday guys will stop hurting me, and I'll meet a guy who loves the Lord and is intentional and pursues me for me. Someday I'll have a family of my own to be close to. Until then, I rely on the fact that my faith is bigger than my fears and doubts and my God is even bigger.
May we all take time today to thank God for our lives, the good and the bad, and give thanks that He is always good. Today and forever.
Until next time,
Jackie
