"We have to dare to be ourselves, however frightening or strange that self may prove to be."
-May Sarton
I've always said I'm not an emotional person.
My friends have laughed at that and pointed out that I talk through what I'm feeling more than the average person. I've firmly stated that my talking through what I'm feeling is not the same as actually feeling those things. I'm an outward processor so for me, to talk about something is to talk about it, figure out what I'm doing and move on. Rarely do I stay "stuck" on one thing or throw myself a pity party- I'm too busy or too determined that I'm okay to feel anything.
The first time my friends saw me break down, I had just found out one of my best friends was gone forever. I had to accept that I was not okay, and it was okay to be vulnerable. Scary steps for someone who "has it all together" most of the time.
My next breakdown was in my thesis advisors office as I was overwhelmed at the seemingly impossible task in front of me.
Fast forward- breakdown number three happens as I sit on my bed after graduation and turn into a blubbering mess of a human.
So I'd say my track record was halfway decent. I wasn't that girl that cried at a cute kitten video or at sad parts in books or movies. I was "strong" and by all accounts, pulled together in some fashion. Since graduation though, I'd say I've probably done a complete 180 in the emotions department. I've cried more these past two months than I did all four years of college. Whether that be from frustration, heartache, or just from being plain old sad.
If you've read my past couple blog posts it might appear that I am doing alright. I got a job, I trusted God, I was dating guys, I was living "the life."
Right?
Kind of. I've had golden moments these last few months, but these past few months have also been really difficult. I won't spend much time talking about the fact that I miss college every single day, that I want a relationship, I've lost a relative, or whatever. I've written those words, you've heard my pain. Now it's time to be real, and really honest with myself.
As I drove home crying last Wednesday from life and disappointment catching up to me, I just couldn't. I couldn't care any more about people. I couldn't care any more about having dreams. I couldn't worry about life anymore. I am exhausted, and I've started to figure out why. Because life is not always beautiful. Most of the time life is a mess of crap all thrown together and you look at it and shake your head because surely even the Lord couldn't fix it up. Life isn't really made up of the perfect moments. Life is made up of moments that when woven together create God's perfect story.
Social media, though, has ruined this entirely. In a world of Instagramming the best shot, posting all the "right" articles and bible verse statuses and tweeting the funniest thing, I have lost the knowledge that it's okay to be a wreck. My friend Mariah wrote an awesome blog today about how life is messy, and how God cares far too much for each of us to let us put our hope in anything less than him. It's a great read, so I encourage all of you to go read it. I guess you could say it prompted this post in a way.
I am not perfect. I have messed up so many times. I do not have it together. I am queen of party throwing- of the pity variety. It's easy to tell yourself lies when you see everyone posting such perfect lives and you're like, yeah I'll just sit here single, eating chocolate and hanging with my parents...
My temptation is to write posts that encourage and put a positive spin on my life experiences. To post pictures that show me at my best, doing exciting things and living my "cool" life. To tweet witty jokes and cute baby animal pictures. Yet, is that reality? No one wants to hear how tired I am. They don't want to see the pictures of me with my hair in a mess and no makeup on. They don't want to be bombarded with rant-y tweets. After all, isn't life all about finding happiness and contentment? I don't want your crap all up in my face, throwing off my groove. I complain about those people who dare to be real. I laugh at the girl who "totes shouldn't have posted that picture cause she looks like a mess." I judge because inside I'm thankful that person isn't me. On social media, I have it together. In my life though? I sure do not.
I am messy. I am wounded by some things in my past that I still haven't experienced full healing from. I just want to be glossy and perfect like my online life. But I can't do it, nor do I choose to do it anymore. I might be a frightening person like the quote says (let's be real, I already know I'm strange). I might scare myself when I finally accept that I'm not picture perfect. But dang it, it's time for me to accept and embrace the mess I am. That means less social media. It means being vulnerable every once in awhile and not always making things glamorous or wonderful. Life isn't always rainbows and unicorns.
God is great at picking up the broken and making them whole, and I cling to his promise in Matthew 11:28-30 which says, "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."
Though I may be frightened or scared by who I turn out to be, I choose to dare, to experience emotions, and to find rest in the Lord in my own life. It's about time.
Always,
Jackie
My friends have laughed at that and pointed out that I talk through what I'm feeling more than the average person. I've firmly stated that my talking through what I'm feeling is not the same as actually feeling those things. I'm an outward processor so for me, to talk about something is to talk about it, figure out what I'm doing and move on. Rarely do I stay "stuck" on one thing or throw myself a pity party- I'm too busy or too determined that I'm okay to feel anything.
The first time my friends saw me break down, I had just found out one of my best friends was gone forever. I had to accept that I was not okay, and it was okay to be vulnerable. Scary steps for someone who "has it all together" most of the time.
My next breakdown was in my thesis advisors office as I was overwhelmed at the seemingly impossible task in front of me.
Fast forward- breakdown number three happens as I sit on my bed after graduation and turn into a blubbering mess of a human.
So I'd say my track record was halfway decent. I wasn't that girl that cried at a cute kitten video or at sad parts in books or movies. I was "strong" and by all accounts, pulled together in some fashion. Since graduation though, I'd say I've probably done a complete 180 in the emotions department. I've cried more these past two months than I did all four years of college. Whether that be from frustration, heartache, or just from being plain old sad.
If you've read my past couple blog posts it might appear that I am doing alright. I got a job, I trusted God, I was dating guys, I was living "the life."
Right?
Kind of. I've had golden moments these last few months, but these past few months have also been really difficult. I won't spend much time talking about the fact that I miss college every single day, that I want a relationship, I've lost a relative, or whatever. I've written those words, you've heard my pain. Now it's time to be real, and really honest with myself.
As I drove home crying last Wednesday from life and disappointment catching up to me, I just couldn't. I couldn't care any more about people. I couldn't care any more about having dreams. I couldn't worry about life anymore. I am exhausted, and I've started to figure out why. Because life is not always beautiful. Most of the time life is a mess of crap all thrown together and you look at it and shake your head because surely even the Lord couldn't fix it up. Life isn't really made up of the perfect moments. Life is made up of moments that when woven together create God's perfect story.
Social media, though, has ruined this entirely. In a world of Instagramming the best shot, posting all the "right" articles and bible verse statuses and tweeting the funniest thing, I have lost the knowledge that it's okay to be a wreck. My friend Mariah wrote an awesome blog today about how life is messy, and how God cares far too much for each of us to let us put our hope in anything less than him. It's a great read, so I encourage all of you to go read it. I guess you could say it prompted this post in a way.
I am not perfect. I have messed up so many times. I do not have it together. I am queen of party throwing- of the pity variety. It's easy to tell yourself lies when you see everyone posting such perfect lives and you're like, yeah I'll just sit here single, eating chocolate and hanging with my parents...
My temptation is to write posts that encourage and put a positive spin on my life experiences. To post pictures that show me at my best, doing exciting things and living my "cool" life. To tweet witty jokes and cute baby animal pictures. Yet, is that reality? No one wants to hear how tired I am. They don't want to see the pictures of me with my hair in a mess and no makeup on. They don't want to be bombarded with rant-y tweets. After all, isn't life all about finding happiness and contentment? I don't want your crap all up in my face, throwing off my groove. I complain about those people who dare to be real. I laugh at the girl who "totes shouldn't have posted that picture cause she looks like a mess." I judge because inside I'm thankful that person isn't me. On social media, I have it together. In my life though? I sure do not.
I am messy. I am wounded by some things in my past that I still haven't experienced full healing from. I just want to be glossy and perfect like my online life. But I can't do it, nor do I choose to do it anymore. I might be a frightening person like the quote says (let's be real, I already know I'm strange). I might scare myself when I finally accept that I'm not picture perfect. But dang it, it's time for me to accept and embrace the mess I am. That means less social media. It means being vulnerable every once in awhile and not always making things glamorous or wonderful. Life isn't always rainbows and unicorns.
God is great at picking up the broken and making them whole, and I cling to his promise in Matthew 11:28-30 which says, "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."
Though I may be frightened or scared by who I turn out to be, I choose to dare, to experience emotions, and to find rest in the Lord in my own life. It's about time.
Always,
Jackie
