The Beauty is in the Struggle

"I am sure that God keeps no one waiting unless he sees that it is good for him to wait."

-C.S. Lewis

To catch everyone up to speed- since my last post, I've accepted and started a job with CJRW as an Account Coordinator for Stamp Out Smoking! So word to the wise, if you don't want a lecture about how smoking is going to kill ya, don't smoke around me ;). Anyway, it's been great how God provides and how he works everything out how it's supposed to be. Still learning the whole trust thing, but it's a slow process!

Some people might be embarrassed to put this out for the masses, but I guess I've always had less shame than other people. Two weeks ago I joined a dating site, just for kicks and gigs and because why not? I mean, I get the whole, there might be creepy stalkers on there, but as long as you have half a brain, you can basically avoid all the weird losers. So far I haven't ended up on MTV, so that's a positive! There's something called a delete and block button, and it's oh so rewarding to press them. 

As I venture into the world of online dating the thing that has stood out the most to me is how much value we place in looks. Granted, I wasn't under any fantasy that it was based solely on the content of my profile that people would message me, but one can hope that they wouldn't simply message me because I was "fiiineee" but we had nothing in common. You'd be surprised.

Age: 23. Kids: 4. 

What do you DO in your spare time?! Well, I know what you do... I just don't understand why you have no hobbies.

Age: 27. Occupation: body builder.

I'm sure pumping iron really pays the bills. And those 4 selfie-mirror pics are sure attractive...

It's a hoot, I'll tell you that. Granted, there are a few normal people on there that I've found. Guys that like to read books or hang out outside, that don't have any kids at age 23, and have respectable jobs. But the whole thing reeks of shallowness to an extent... I almost hate myself for it. Almost. If it wasn't so entertaining for me, and the whole, I have few other ways to meet guys in Little Rock, I wouldn't do it. Yes, looks are important, but this whole thing reminds me about how important the content of someone's character is.

As I sat and complained to my mom the other day about how I'm ready to be done with one sided things- whether it be the guy likes me or I like the guy but it's never mutual- and how I have this picture in my head of the guy I'm going to end up with, it kind of dawned on me that maybe I need to adjust the picture. God hardly ever makes our future look like how we picture it. He often brings surprises into our lives, and adjusts the image to what he has for us. Also, having expectations and a picture of who we're "supposed" to end up with is a dangerous road to travel down. It basically guarantees that there's no way I'd ever find a guy who I want to marry, and sets up guys for repeated failure. Which totally isn't fair to them, or to me. I could miss out on great things because I'm being super picky and specific. Yes of course there are things that are non-negotiable, but there's also things that though I may deem them important, really aren't in the grand scheme of things. 

All of this has kind of come to a head in the past week as I've seen 6+ engagements on Facebook as people find their "prince charming's" and the rings to match. I'm not bitter. Which I feel like I spend a lot of time saying, but in all honestly, I'm just sad. I'm sad because I want that. I don't know if I've ever admitted that before in so many words, so I feel like this has kind of turned into my therapeutic post or something. While I do believe that God would (correction: he will, married or single!) completely satisfy me until the end of my days as a single woman, I also believe he has placed inside each of us a desire to be fully known and loved by a mate here on this earth. So yes, I am content being single, but I am also sad being single, which is totally okay. I am allowed to be sad. I'm allowed to wonder when it'll be "my time" and when I'll find someone who thinks I'm worth it to spend the rest of their lives with. The danger lies in sitting in that place of sadness and longing and never realizing that where I am right now is also beautiful. It's a process, relationships. If there's no one in my life, it simply means it's not something I'm ready for right now. I've got a lot of living and learning to do before settling down, and God has been faithful to open my eyes to see where I need to grow and change in the meantime! As the title implies, there is much beauty in the struggle. This is where God shows me what it means to trust in him in a new ways as well as to rely on him for expectations and direction.

It's dangerous for me to get into the funk of feeling sorry for myself, but in this age of social media, it's so hard to guard your heart and have realistic expectations. With pictures of rings and happy couples popping up all over, it's hard to keep in perspective that not everyone is married/engaged/dating. It's hard to remember that I am only 22 years old (especially when I feel about 80 some days). To put it in perspective, I have at least another 40 years of working until I could even think about retiring. I have another 3 years until I can legally rent a car. I have another 8 years until I'm even 30. Time for sure is not running out, and if it was at the age of 22, then I think our culture needs to take a long look at the expectations we place on mere kids to figure out their lives by such an early age. Marriage is hard work is the message I see over and over, and so kudos to the people in their early 20's who can make it work! I think God looked at me and laughed and was, thankfully, merciful by keeping me single. Lord knows I wasn't ready to get married when I thought I was! 

Anyway, my sister is great at reminding me that this is not the end because I haven't met "the one." This is simply a time for learning and growing and letting God teach me what he desires to teach me. She's also great at reminding me that I am special and I deserve to be pursued and cherished, and waiting for someone to do that will ALWAYS be worth it. I like to remind her of the same. Though I may be biased because she's my sister, I know that she is the greatest catch a guy could ask for, and any guy who doesn't see that is a complete idiot. But we all know that as flawed humans, we can all be idiots at times. It was time to revisit who God says I am, and to refresh what a "healthy" view of relationships looks like. So in your timing Lord, with who you choose. Until then, I will rest in Christ fully and soak up all the learning experiences he has for me (and some of those might be entertaining to hear about. So stay tuned!)

Until next time,

Jackie

*To throw it back, I wrote a post about relationships a while back. Just as a reminder that we are all to be content with where we're at and to stop dwelling on what we have or don't have in regards to relationships. While I don't think my words are anything groundbreaking, it's always good to remind myself of what God taught me. So take a look back at http://thejacpot.blogspot.com/2013/10/how-do-you-feel-single.html, and revisit with me!